Saturday, August 20, 2005
verbal diarhhea (diarrhea? diarrhhea? WHAT THE FUCK)
so tonight as i go to bed i hope that when i wake up the next morning my sorrows will be gone and the empty feeling will subside and i will stop having my rollercoaster mood swings and FOR ONCE i will feel things as they are and not be weird about everything and take action and make things happen and not always have to overanalyze and crap-icize myself. and then hopefully i will not always have to bring myself down and be nice just to please other people and shut my mouth even if they have been shitting me for god knows how long and i will no longer have to keep falling apart over and over again because i always have to keep smiling even if i want to hit them in the face and push them off the stairs because they have done nothing, absolutely nothing, but make me feel worse about myself. and maybe it's my fault they do so; most probably it's just me bullshitting myself and maybe they honestly never mean any of it, but the looks they always have to give me when i do something i'm actually proud of tapos alam mo yun, the looks on their faces ALWAYS have to zap whatsoever enthusiasm i have in me just like that. and i'm 1000000 percent sure that people aren't made like that, that there are no such people who would do that kind of bullshit intentionally (well, there probably is someone out there who is like that..but i've been lucky not to know this said pathetic person)...bottom line is i never feel like a happy high not on a low with a real smile person when they are around. well actually i do; they have managed to put smiles on my face more than anyone ever could, i carry with me the most fantabulous memories of sunlit days and long walks and talks about that star in the sky and that worm on the floor, but i think sometimes are brains can go whacko and choose to hide these kinds of things and instead keep reminding us of the bad times and the painful times and the times you had to laugh it off even if you wanted to run away and spend the rest of lunch period in the bathroom, and in the end things are never the same, because the apprehension and the mistrust and the insecurity lingers on and stays no matter how much you battle with it. and then relationships are strained, gaps grow stronger, and before you know it it's all gone. there is nothing left but awkward silence and uncomfortable sitting positions because it's incredibly weird to be in the presence of a person who used to be the bestest of all your friends and now you find yourself thinking that you have nothing to say and you don't feel bad about it, because now all you feel and remember is the fact that they are, in fact, one of the biggest, if not the most important reasons you can never seem to pick yourself up and put the broken pieces of your life back together. you don't stop loving them but instead you find yourself wishing you could be as far away from them as possible, because nowadays all you feel when you're around them is this immsense fear that they are on their way to destroying the very little security you have built upon yourself yet again, and once again you will find yourself at a loss with nothing to say and nothing to think because you've lost yourself-again. but then again it is VERY MUCH POSSIBLE that i am only scapegoating; using these people as an excuse, a way out, a reason, something to blame for all the pain i have had in my life. and i'm sorry for that. i'm sorry i have to feel this way all the time. i'm sorry to all the people i have had to bullshit just because. i feel sorry for myself because i bring my own pain and i strengthen my own insecurities and above everyone else it is really me who brings myself down. maybe all i'm asking for is a chance-a chance to throw all my cautions to the wind and dance in the middle of the street and not care, and once, just once, just ONCE, look at myself in the mirror and not feel have to think what they're thinking while they look at me. just once i want to dance to my heart's content and not care that they don't think i'm not that fantabulous. just ONCE i want to say what i want to without everyone in my face telling me how incredibly pathetic and misinformed and pompous i am, because for once they will shut their mouths and they will look at me and they will think that for once i am actually right.
but that will, of course, never happen. i have stopped being angry about it; i guess some things just aren't meant to be. so now all i can do is keep smiling and keep laughing it off and try not to think about it too much, because obviously i can never do what i want. it will never be possible.
haha whatever, who cares. tomorrow morning i know i'm going to wake up and forget all about this anyway.
dreams talaga parang tubig, they take the form of their container, tapos you lose sight of them and they're not water anymore, water in a glass na sila, forever altered and changed
LABO
Catches her Breath x 9:52 PM
